It Was A Strange Day In My Life

Last night, my sister and I went for a walk with an Egyptian friend of hers.  The three of us settled ourselves in a tea/shisha hangout frequented by locals, many of which are artists, in the neighborhood.  We sat in chairs lined against the wall below several trees.  And throughout the entirety of our stay, felt bird droppings fall on our heads and laps.  "It's good luck!" We reassured each other.  My sister informed me it was the "cool" spot to sit, as we could view people walking back and forth on the street ahead and all the people sitting and socializing in the cafe.

It wasn't even ten minutes into the conversation that the 28 year old graphic designer began to talk of the Uprising and the current Revolution (January 25th is considered the Uprising. All the days thereafter, which include today, are the Revolution). With absolutely no questions from myself nor my sister, he began to recall the happenings of January 25th.  I had my audio recorder in my bag and thought to pull it out, but quickly realized that this was not a conversation to be recorded.  I have chosen not to write his name as a protection to his identity.

He began his story by saying, "I remember running.  Running through the square.  I had never smelled that smell before.  I had never seen what I saw that day."  He shook his head back and forth and looked to the ground.

"What smell?" I asked.  "Tear gas."  He responded.  "I was running and I fell to the ground, on my face.  And then I jumped up again and kept on running."  He told us that he came upon a car, and decided to walk around the backside of it over to the passenger door.  To this day he said he doesn't know why he decided to do that, because as he approached the passenger window, someone in the driver's seat hit the gas.  He watched people get run over and die right before his eyes.  He shook his head again and looked to the ground, taking a puff off his shisha.  "If I had gone the other way I would have been killed.  I just don't know why I didn't go that way."

"I have lost four friends," he said.  He described two of them in more detail.  "One was a male who worked for the Opera, the other a female.  Both of them around my age."  He continued to shake his head.  "Friends tell me things I did that day that I don't remember.  Ways I acted that I can't believe I acted.  It was like someone gave me a shot of anesthesia."  He pretended to inject himself with a needle. "I had no power over my body, but it was doing things."

"It was a strange day in my life,"  he said.

It was very apparent to me at that moment the trauma that this man had endured.  It has been 8 months, and he spoke of it as if it happened yesterday.  And he wanted to speak, he needed to.

My sister turned to him and asked, "Do you remember seeing me on February 1st?  I was walking into the square, you were walking out?"  "Yes." He responded.  "Do you remember you told me that you carried people out of the square whose brains were hanging out of their heads?"  Emotionless he responded, "Yes."  "Do you remember that you began to cry?" My sister asked.  His eyebrows lifted, "No," he said.  A smiled filled his face, "I cried?!"  "Yes," my sister said.

"It's good to cry."  I said.  "You should cry."

The table was silent for a bit.  We watched the people chatting around us and walking back and forth, an occasional poop dropped from the trees above.  And then he began to talk about how after the Uprising, he was called into the Army to serve.  He told us how he was really unhappy to go, but after being there for two months, he feels he has a purpose in life.  That before he was lost, didn't have any direction, and now he does.  He doesn't want to fight, but the routine he has been given keeps him aligned, and to him it feels good.

"They popped my head like a balloon and sucked out all the air." He took his finger and poked his head and made a hissing noise imitating a popped balloon.  "I don't have to think anymore, the Army has taken all of it out of my head.  It is very nice."

This idea was very interesting to me, but the conversation had taken its course, and it came to an end.  Another day, another day.  He thanked us for the conversation, shook our hands, and excused himself from the table.

You’ve Made Your Bed, Now You Must Lay In It

What the hell kind of a saying is that?  It’s a statement that completely takes a person’s power away.  So I make my bed, and then that’s it?  It’s over?!  I have to sleep in it!  Why couldn’t I just choose to sleep elsewhere; on another bed, on the floor, in a tent?  Or why couldn’t I just remake the bed and sleep in a different form I shaped it in?  Just like I rewrite or respeak my words, I can remake my bed!

So the idea behind the saying is if I have chosen a path, I better go with it.  No matter what affects that choice has had on my life, good or bad, I must stick to it.  That absolutely frustrates me!

As of late, I have crossed many paths with people who have said this message, maybe not in these exact words, but pretty much that they are helpless to the choices they have made.  This saddens me.

Let’s step back, look straight on into our choices, accept that we made our bed, and decide if it is comfortable to sleep in.  And if it is not, let’s find a different comforter, better pillows, or silkier sheets.  But let’s not succumb to the uncomfortable bed that this saying most definitely eludes to us sleeping in!

Only Time WIll Tell...

...words I recently heard.  So many times I have heard these words.  Sometimes you just want to kick them in the ass, right?  Those words drive me nuts, but they sure are the truth, aren't they?!  There are only so many things we know for sure, and this is one of them.  Only time will tell...

A couple of days ago I went on a hike with one of my closest, dearest friends, Alicia Morrison (once Pasko:))  We must have covered every topic under the sun.  I foresee a couple of blogs formulating from that conversation, but who knows, only time will tell:)

Ego

Do we let it run us, or do we run it?  That is the question, or at least it's mine:)  I am trying so hard to learn how to control my ego.  It's not easy!  But the more true you are to yourself, the better you understand and respect yourself, the easier it becomes.  Have you ever had those moments where you are looking down on yourself, watching your actions in disbelief that they are yours?  Wanting to stop what you are doing, but can't because you don't want to lose face, or just don't know how to?  Well that's the ego people:)  I must say, it really is an empowering feeling when you just stop and say, "I am wrong."  To admit that you don't know, or you made a mistake, is a respectable quality. 

I had a conversation with my lovely sister, Amira Hanafi, about this recently.  I made a comment, she argued against it, and even though I realized in my head as I made the comment that I didn't agree with it, I still felt I needed to prove that it was a correct statement.  Sometimes when you formulate your thoughts into words, and speak them aloud, they don't sound the same as they did in your head. That's what makes writing so nice...you can always read it over and rewrite it.

Anyway, we argued for a bit, and then I finally came to the epiphany that I could admit that I didn't agree with myself.  I didn't agree with what I was saying, and that was ok.  Speaking can be like writing, you can respeak:)  I remember the happiness on my sister's face, not for being "right", but for that moment of growth that she witnessed.  I'll never forget that smile:):):)

So the next time you feel yourself hovering over your body, looking down and wondering what the hell is going on, just stop yourself.  Stop.  Let it go.  And take note of that feeling.  You'll be glad you did:)

  

The Present Moment

Lately, it has become a topic of conversation between my dear friend Mike Sturgis and I about the Present Moment.   Many a moments we have discussed how people always are thinking about what has happened in the past, or thinking of what may happen in the future, and lose focus of the only thing that matters; NOW.  We are conditioned to prepare, prepare, prepare for future unknowns, and we waste the present moment regretting what has happened before, wishing we could have done things differently.

It is in the breath.  It is consciously breathing now and feeling that breath, and acknowledging that we are existing in this Present Moment, not in the past nor in the future, but now.  Our present thoughts, emotions, actions, are the only thing we have complete control over!  Our action, our choice, our reaction…we cannot change the past, and we cannot predict the future.

Now this is a hard task.  It is not simple to remember our present moment.  It is easy to let worry, regret, anticipation, excitement, fear, all of these emotions, take us over and veer us away from what is happening presently.  I am challenged with that presently.  I acted in a way that shames me, and I am battling my feelings of regret, and trying to understand that I am here now and my past can never be changed, and I must forgive myself and choose that moment in time as a lesson to be learned.

And instead of concentrating on that other moment, I am attempting to work very hard now to concentrate, acknowledge, and appreciate my present moment.  I am typing on my wonderful new computer, enjoying a mix Amalia Gonzalez made for me, and sitting in the middle seat in row 7 in a hot, quiet airplane, on the way to Newark, New Jersey, all the while taking deep breath after deep breath.  What else can I do? I’ve got a backpack and I am headed on an adventure, and the only thing I am 100% sure about right now is that I am flyingJ

I ask you to join me.  Think about your present moment right now.  Where are you?  What are you doing?  Take a breath with me and feel it…I know this is some hippy dippy shit, but seriously, appreciate it.  Because truly it is the only thing that really exists; your Present Moment.

I also invite you to join me in writing comments related or unrelated to my blog.  I would love for this blog to be interactive; a conversation where we explore ourselves and our thoughts and try to help each other grow.